she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Randomize
