youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
