somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
