I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
