It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
