she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
