Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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