Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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