someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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