I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
