I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
