I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
