Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
17 year olds will be the death of me.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
