You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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