Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize