By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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