I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
