I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
