genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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