I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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