So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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