Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
