Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
