If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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