Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
