I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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