I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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