Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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