K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
