dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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