dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
