I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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