My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
