i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
zippers are such a cool invention
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
