you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
