I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I AM VODKA MAN
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
