A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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