I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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