just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
