Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
