I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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