do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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