The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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