areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
