Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
