who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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