Already got asked if we're dating
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
