The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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