my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
