I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
