I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize