Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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