how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize