I must be too annoying 4 u.
i don't like sucking hair
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
