Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
