part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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