i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Enjoy the penises
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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