When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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