its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
